The Hard Questions: Is Cutting Toxic People out of Your Life Evil?

Christians are known for upholding traditional and humanitarian values no matter what country they reside in, barring evil regimes that want to exterminate them for being a threat to the state.

We are supposed to be kind to others, and sometimes it might be to a fault.

But when does kindness become a hindrance and the other side become the equivalent of someone dragging their shoes across our cheeks while stomping on them?

Are we to always accept negative patterns of behavior from people in our lives?

What if the person you fell in love with became an insidious monster before your eyes?

If a parent falls into the trap of hating the other one, and you’re left to withstand it (and I mean even as an adult out on your own)?

More Christians need to understand the concept of having enforceable boundaries.

If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you as a person.

I’m all about being kind to others and turning the other cheek when it outweighs the negative consequences.

Losing a friend over political divides happens sometimes, and it saddens me when people fight about things that ultimately aren’t what life is about.

We are all unique individuals with our own thoughts and valid perspectives. If I agree with someone on something and you don’t, does that determine my value as a human being?

Normal banter aside, what do we do when the people closest to us infringe on our healthy boundaries?

Even in a relationship, someone does not have the authority to trample on what makes you yourself.

“I don’t think you should listen to that type of music.”

“Your needs are beneath my needs, and you must cater to me.”

That’s not a partnership, that’s a dictatorship.

Manipulation and goading behaviors from our friends, ex-spouses, and sometimes even our own families should be avoided at all costs.

I have a friend who co-parents with his ex-wife, and while it’s not my place to reveal such things besides a vague reference, it shows me such situations are difficult when dealing with toxic people.

In such situations, I believe both parties might say the other is toxic and vice versa.

I’m not trying to reduce people into caricatures instead of living souls living the human experience.

In the world of esoteric Judaism (Kabbalah, the Zohar, etc.), we must learn to correct our souls to bring healing to the world. In Christianity, Jesus offered us a golden rule that has been lifted by secular societies as ultimately for the benefit of humanity as a whole.

“On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:40 [ESV]).

Loving God with all our hearts and minds, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. If more people thought like this, including Christians, we’d be in a far better place.

Ultimate restoration of the universe will only happen after Jesus’s 1,000-year reign, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make existence less miserable for others.

But let’s take it to interpersonal and intimate relationships.

Should we allow a belligerent parent to harass us about something that won’t even matter in eternity?

This life is a test. It is a test to see who is worthy of the eternal state.

The Bible says we should honor our parents, for example. And I stand by that as well.

But if your father was an alcoholic who abused your mother (or yourself) and never repented, does that then mean to keep company with him?

This is difficult for Christians, because we want to love others, especially those of our own family.

The answer is your mother has boundaries that should be respected, and you do as well. If someone continually tests those boundaries with ill will, don’t allow them to poison your life.

Pray for them and hope God opens their eyes to repentance.

The same can be said of intimate relationships.

These can be difficult, as the most intimate of human actions is involved in such cases.

But if your husband or wife suddenly becomes a stranger that you never knew, where do you draw the line?

It’s not a sin to have an ex-wife or ex-husband, despite what churches teach in error.

If your wife picked up a crack addiction and tried to get your children to smoke it, you’d be within your rights to call the police and sever ties.

I believe in forgiveness, but that’s an insane thing to do to a family.

If your husband constantly beats you, where does the Bible say you must stay in a relationship like that? And I’m not saying this doesn’t happen to men, too, but it is far more common for women to be in that situation.

Those examples are boundary-breaking actions to an extreme.

So this is one of the hard questions of the faith.

We are a faith that believes in forgiveness and second chances. But what about hurtful actions that have repercussions for multiple generations?

“… but if he is caught, he will pay sevenfold; he will give all the goods of his house” (Proverbs 6:31 [ESV]).

I’m going to do a sod-level interpretation (pronounced S-O-H-D) of this principle in the Book of Proverbs. This is common among Kabbalistic methods of learning the Torah and the rest of the Tanakh.

In the proverb I quoted, a thief is to pay back seven times what he stole. This means a restoration plus immense levels of interest.

Like Paul used such an interpretive style about oxen not being muzzled and being paid for ministry, I offer that in personal situations, repentance is necessary to get back into good standing with someone else who has been wronged.

If you have slandered someone, the best course of action is to admit your fault between you and them, and then sevenfold restore their reputation.

If a husband abuses a wife (or vice versa) there needs to be intense repentance on their part and valid proof of never doing such an action again, though the best course biblically for that is divorce.

If you have a strained relationship with your parents, there is nothing wrong with making a peace offering and seeing where it takes you.

If we all keep Jesus’s admonition about the two greatest commands in mind, we’ll learn to never have to do these things.

But humans have both a good inclination and an evil inclination, the capacity for great good and even greater evil.

The concept of original sin is shaded and gray in the Scriptures. You can make an argument either way. Adam and Eve, for example, could have chosen not to listen to the angelic being who tempted Eve and caused both progenitors of humanity to fall from their perfect existence.

I lean toward Adam and Eve having the capacity for either way from the beginning.

Overcome the flesh for the sake of others.

Because the truth is, sometimes you must cut people out of your life in the same way you cut out a tumor that may spread cancer to the rest of the body.

It’s not that you don’t love your body. It’s that the harm is greater than the good in this case.

Evil company corrupts.

If your boundaries are broken, then it is acceptable to cut people out for good.

There is a recurring theme throughout the Scriptures of not moving your neighbor’s boundary markers. Using a sod-level interpretation for this concept, we can see that we are to respect our neighbor’s boundaries. Physical or otherwise.

If someone is toxic to you, don’t feel ashamed for separating.

Choose peace and the Father’s higher ways over the fleeting toxicity in relationships that are as fickle as a flame snuffed out by a mere pair of fingers.

If a relationship is that volatile, then end it.

It might take you some time, but in the long run, you’ll be saving hopefully two lives.

Blessings and shalom be your portion, now and forevermore.